Sunday musings

I woke up this morning with a sinus headache.  Boohoo!  I was hoping I could somehow avoid the dreaded Fall cold that's going around.  Maybe I can still fight it off.  I was planning to try a Hot Yoga class at the gym today but I think I will skip it.  I've literally done nothing so far today (except have breakfast and coffee) and it's almost noon.  I have booked a flight to Calgary for November 1-3 to visit my BFF so that's exciting!  Also I looked into races that I could run while in Maui.  I found an awesome one!  I'm so pumped.  There seems to be a problem with online registration but I have emailed the representative so hopefully I can register soon.  No medals unless you place 1st, 2nd or 3rd but T-Shirts and a breakfast after so I'm happy with that.  And how amazing will it be to run right beside the ocean in Maui??!!  Yup I'm so in.  Hopefully my darling husband will be on board.  Maybe I'll sign him up for the walk!  Here's the link if anyone is interested mauiwhalefestival
I'm thinking of doing the 10K.  It would be my first, and it would be incentive to keep me running over the Winter.

I went to a Group Power class yesterday.  It was good!  I almost didn't go, because none of my family was able to come and I was running a bit late.  But I'm so glad I did.  It felt so good.  My goal is to do that class 2 times a week, run as much as I can (damn treadmill I hate you but Winter is almost here) and yoga at least once a week (hopefully more).  That's my plan.

101 days to Maui Trip!

Both sides......

I've looked at life from both sides now....... I know, I know, it's corny to quote a song but it's very true. As a side note, my sweet Mom used to do this all the time when I was growing up and it drove me nuts!  She was always singing a song when something reminded her of a song.  Now I totally do it too :-)  I've also realized it's not a bad thing that I have a lot of my Mom's qualities.  She's an amazing woman.

Now back to the subject of this post.  I run blog posts through my head for days before I finally get to my computer and get them posted.  Does anyone else do this too or is it just me?  Monday night I had this post completely done and then I fell asleep and I must have accidentally deleted it before I hit publish.  I was not amused.  I, not unlike other bloggers I follow and admire have gained some weight. I feel like I'm in good company.  These are people that I have followed in their journeys and admired their successes.  We are human.  We lose weight and unfortunately we gain it too.  Not always, but seriously look at the statistics.....it happens.  I've been at both sides of this weight loss journey.  Here's some thoughts.

I have been a Weight Watcher at goal.   I have been a new member looking at 50 + pounds to lose.

I have had a closet full of nice clothes that all fit me and I felt good in them.  I have had a closet full of clothes that didn't all fit me and what did fit was bulky and bought to hide my flaws.

I have felt in control of food.  I have felt like the food controlled me.

I've been able to shop in any store I want for clothes, even Costco (not a big deal to some but it was HUGE to me!).  I've been very limited with the stores I could buy clothes in.

I have felt very fit and even ran a 5K without stopping.  I have been out of breath running up the stairs.

When I went out it was fun to get dressed up.  When I went out I agonized over finding something that didn't make me look horrible.


I fit into a size 10 comfortably and even a size 8 in a pair of lululemon yoga pants.  I fit into a size 18 and even a size 20 pair of capris (even though I cut the tag out when I got them home).

I have felt very good about my body.  I have felt very ashamed of my body.

I have cried tears of joy over my weight loss success.  I have cried tears of sadness over my weight gain.

I was a normal weight.  I was overweight.

I was happy.  I was sad.

So you see, if you were me which side you would want to be on.  I need to do this.  I'm still struggling but I'm slowly starting to pull myself out of this.  I did end up joining the gym.  It's a beautiful facility with great classes and 3 locations in the city.  2 of which are relatively close to me (I live in a fairly small city, I'm sure some of you would laugh if you knew how close the far away location is!) and one is clear across the city!  But the one that is far away (it took my 15 minutes by car the other day.....in traffic it will be longer) is the one that my sister and 2 of my nieces go to.  I went to a weight class there with them on Monday (our Thanksgiving day).  Similar to Body Pump, they call it Group Power. I don't know if it was the combination of being in the front row and being with people I knew but I really pushed it, and now I'm so fricking sore!  I used to do that class faithfully 2 times a week, sometimes 3.  I have a long way to go to get back there but it's a start.  I also went to a Step class last week too.  It was good too.  They have lots of yoga classes and even hot yoga that I'm dying to try.  I'm still working with my confidence and the fact that I feel like everyone is judging me.  I know they probably aren't and like my sister said "most people are too self absorbed to even care!"  I know she's right.  I just have to suck it up and continue to get my butt off the couch.

My Amazing Weekend

My Family :-)

My niece got married yesterday.  It was an amazing day!  On Thursday of last week it was raining and the clouds seemed locked in.  The forecast for Saturday was sunny and 18 C, but it looked like that wasn't going to happen (to me anyway!).  We couldn't have asked for a nicer day.  It was a beautiful Fall day!  Even though the ceremony and reception were inside at a Hotel near the river bank it was great to be able to take pictures outside.  You can't get better lighting than natural light.  The ceremony was so nice.  My niece's Dad has never been in her life so she had her Grandpa walk her down the aisle.  It was so sweet and touching.  They wrote their own vows which was very nice and from the heart.  My sister and her friend sang a song at the ceremony "Feels Like Home".  I could go on and on but it was a really nice ceremony and the reception was great too.  Dean (my hubby) was the M.C. and he did so good!  He kept getting compliments as the night went on.  I made a slideshow for them with pics from baby right up till current day set to music.  Everyone seemed to like it.  Here's a few more pics.

Grandparents watching 

Mr & Mrs 

me and my siblings

Bridesmaids!

Cousins at the dance!  Ages 19-25 they grew up together

I could go on and on.....but I won't.  It was a great day!  I thought I looked pretty good but I was still self conscience of my weight gain.  It's not like it ruined my day, it was just on my mind.  The regret, the feeling of failure.....  I was very tired today so I didn't do much.  Some visiting, a bit of laundry and I made supper and that's about it!  I'm glad I have tomorrow off work.  

I have made up my mind to join the new gym I was talking about before.  I'm going to go tomorrow and sign up.  I need to kick start my weight loss.  I think this will help.  There is 122 days until we leave for our Maui vacation.  We are celebrating our 25th anniversary next year and this is our gift to each other.  I want to be in better shape than I am right now.  I'm going to try hard to work on the binge eating.  For me it's such a head game.  When I got to goal last year I just really believed that I was going to be successful and it worked.  I need to get my head in that same place again.  So tomorrow I will face the scale, (it won't be pretty I know) and move on.  Small steps, drinking more water, moving more and trying to get the snacking under control.  I know I can do this.  I'm going to try to blog more too and possibly post my weight numbers.  I'm still thinking about that.  I don't want to get scale obsessed / crazy.  Tomorrow is a new day.  I'm excited about the new gym.  More on that to come.  

Family is everything.  We may have our ups and downs but I love my crazy, beautiful family. 

The good, the bad and the big butt ugly.....

I miss blogging.  So here's the thing, I stopped blogging because I was at goal and really didn't have much to write about.  Then I tried to blog off and on, but I wasn't at goal anymore and I felt like no wanted to hear about my struggles.  Then someone close to me made a comment that made me upset and I started having second thoughts about blogging.  You know what, I'm 50 years old and if I want to blog about my weight loss or my weight gain or about whatever the hell I want to that's really my business right?  Right!  So read this, don't read this, comment, don't comment I don't really give a crap.  Which is a lie because of course I do care.  I'm sensitive but I'm going to try to have a thicker skin.  It's time.   I have been struggling lately I need this.  Some people like to keep journals, I like to blog.

I don't really know how much I weigh right now.  I think it's close to 180, but I haven't been on the scale in a week or so.  15 ish pounds over goal.  Maybe more who knows.  I am sad and it's making me crazy.  The vicious cycle of feeling fat and out of shape, so eating your feelings, then feeling fat and out of shape because you ate too much and didn't exercise.  I'm not doing much exercise lately and I have a million excuses but none of them hold water.  I am being hard on myself I know but I seriously deserve it.  I have literally eaten ice cream or frozen yogurt just about every day this summer.  It's no wonder I have gained weight.  I loved when I was losing weight and my advice to others was to "say no to food you want to eat and say yes when you don't want to exercise".  I have been reversing this lately.  It's not working for me.  I have been so lonely too.  I know this is partly my fault.  I'm bad for not seeking out friendships and not making dates with the few friends I do have.  My boys are grown up and are hardly ever home.  My husband and I rarely have time together.  It sucks but it's my life.  Back when I was losing weight I was busier because I was going to the gym all the time.  Therefore I was less lonely because I wasn't home alone as much..I need to join a gym again.  I went to have a tour of one the other day and I really liked it.  My plan is after my niece's wedding this weekend I'm signing up.  It's a bit further away than my old gym but I just feel like I need a new start.  A new gym, new classes, new people.  That's the plan.

The good.  I guess the good thing is that I'm not 230 lbs.  I haven't gained it all back and with any luck I can stop this now and get back to feeling good again.  Which means goal for me.  I felt so good when I was at goal weight and in pretty good shape.  Another good is the fact that even though I am out of shape, I'm still able to run.  Not fast and not very far but I can still run, so there's that.

The bad.  Clothes.  Although I have some clothes that fit me, I do have a lot that don't fit me.  It sucks.

The big butt ugly.  I have had some very rock bottom days.  Last night I felt so gross I tried to throw up.  It didn't work, but I just felt so full and fat and so disgusted with myself.  It's not a good place to be in.  I've been eating way too much and all of the wrong things.  Time to get that under control.  Wish me luck I'm going to need it.

Pictures.  I hate myself in pictures these days.  There was a time that I was begging people to take my picture!  My niece is getting married this weekend.  A lot of pictures will be taken.  I'm hoping to be behind the camera instead of in front of it :-(

Speaking of pictures, I'll leave you with a few.

Color me Rad - 5K fun run

 Harvest 2013

The Bride-to-be and I

Tracking

Yes, I actually tracked all my food today and stayed within my 26 points.  Baby steps people, baby steps.  I feel like my head is finally getting into the game here.  The past few weeks I have been flip-flopping around with all the ways I'm going to lose this extra weight I've put on.  I really just wish it was as much fun taking it off as it was putting it on.  Are you with me?  I look at this 15 or so pounds I have to lose and I think really it's not that much, just hunker down and do it.  But then I realize how long it can take to lose 15 lbs and I get discouraged.  I know, I know it's not 60 lbs or 100 lbs but it's still going to take some work and discipline.  And it's not going to happen overnight or at a "Biggest Loser" speed.  I think to myself, maybe I should try Paleo again.  I loved not tracking my food and I lost weight.  But as much as I felt great, it's just too restricting for me.  Especially in the Summer.  Because damn it I might want to have a cold beer or a glass of wine once in awhile!  Not too mention frozen yogurt!  I get crazy thoughts of doing fasts or cleanses.  Life would be so much easier if we didn't need to eat food, every day.  But we do.    So I know that in the end Weight Watchers is the right fit for me.  It's going to be my life from now on.

I feel like I was robbed.  I keep hearing of all these people losing weight and fitting into single digit sizes.  As much as I know it's not about a number on the scale or your dress size it's still makes me jealous.  But what really makes me mad is that the sizes have gotten bigger.  Because when I weighed 145 lbs at 5'7" I was not a size 8.  I was a size 10.  In fact my wedding dress was a size 11.  So now when I was at my goal weight of 165 lbs I was a size 10.  If I was 20 lbs less than that today, would I be a size 6?  Weird.  It doesn't matter I know but it's just one of those things you think about.  In fact one of the bloggers I'm jealous of fit into a pair of size 8 jeans today.  She's lost 89 lbs so far and looks fabulous!  You deserve it Chubby (gotta change that name.....it just doesn't fit anymore!).

I present to you again my "shoebox of weight loss failures".  I have tried many plans over the years and had success with a few, but none have helped me like Weight Watchers has.  I'm sticking with it for the long haul :-)

Key Lime pie.....mmmm

Today was good.  Eating was on track, I did Body Pump (and it nearly killed me) and I went for a long walk tonight with the dog.  Having a day off and starting on the road to eating better and working out is a no-brainer for me.  Tomorrow will be another story.  Work all day, come home tired and grumpy to an empty house and it can get ugly.  I really need to address the loneliness issues I have been facing.  I'm sure it's a huge part of my poor eating / binge eating of late.  When my husband is away (which is a lot) I get in a funk.  I am a different person.  I get down and turn to food for comfort.  I'm not proud of that but it's been happening more and more lately.  When I reached goal in 2012 I was doing so many classes at the gym in the evenings that I didn't seem to have time to get lonely.  Ah ha!!  Well, here's the thing.  I cancelled my gym membership a few months ago.  The gym that I had been going to has gotten SO DAMN BUSY!!  It's not a fun place to be anymore when you are fighting for a spot in the locker room and fighting for a spot in class (and sometimes not even guaranteed a spot if you aren't early).  The parking situation is terrible, and I know what you're all thinking.  Why does she care if she has to walk a bit from her car to go and work out??  It's not that, it's that you are rushing from work to try to get there in time to get a spot in a class and then there is NO parking.  It wasn't always like that.  I joined when it was just a new spacious, quiet gym.  And the thing that bothers me is they are always signing new people up!  C'mon Good Life Fitness!  You are full!!  OK rant over......I need a new gym.  My plan is to sign up for another one in the Fall.  Until then I'm going to do my at home DVD's and run, walk and bike outside.  But I do think that will help with the loneliness.  If I have a few classes a week to go to there is less time home alone.  I'm working on it.  Blogging more will help too :-)

If any of you follow me on Instagram (kimma2) or Twitter (kimma2) you may have seen that I posted a picture of a WW key lime pie.  I made it tonight and it was delicious!  Thanks to @TheDailyMel for posting the recipe via http://www.itsuxtobefat.com/recipes/weight-watchers-key-lime-pie-recipe  I will post my pics and recipe because of course I am in Canada and we don't have the same food as the USA does.  I will admit since doing the Whole 30 challenge a few months ago I have really tried to cut out my artificial sweetners and since then I can taste them.  But it was a nice treat and I would make it again.  The boys (actually grown men now at 22 and 20 but they will always be my babies!) haven't tried it yet but I'm sure they will love it.  Dean thought it was great and kept asking if I really made it with fat free yogurt!  I'm such a good cook!  hahaha!

Weight Watchers Key Lime Pie:  5 points per serving
serves:  8  (I changed it because seriously who cuts a pie into tenths?)

One Graham Cracker Crust (I used the Keebler ready made, couldn't find the reduced fat one here)
Note:  I figured out the points of the crust I used to be 3 points in 1/8 of the crust so I'm not sure of the difference in using the reduced fat crust.  I'm hoping 5 points is still ok!
1 1/2 cups of fat free Key Lime flavored yogurt
1/2 of a 1 litre tub of fat free cool whip
1 box of sugar free Lime Jello
1/4 cup of water

Directions:  Heat 1/4 cup of water in the microwave for a minute or two until the water starts to boil.  Or just boil some water in the kettle.  Dissolve the jellow in boiling water.
In a mixing bowl, combine the jello with the yogurt until it's combined.  Gently fold in the cool whip.  When it's all combined, pour it into the pie crust.  Cover (I just flip the plastic lid from the pie shell over and it makes a dome) and refrigerate until set (at least two hours).  Enjoy.

I'm still here!!

180.3 lbs.  Yes that is the sad number.  I can honestly say that I have stayed around 5 lbs above my goal for a long time, but I was able to put on 10 lbs very easily in the past few months.  I am not happy about it, but I'm trying to keep my head up, move on and learn from my mistakes.  I could sit here and write about all the things that lead me to that weight gain but I won't.  Let's just say that I ate a lot of food that I shouldn't have and I haven't been exercising as much as I used to.  Not a great combination.  And of course as we all know, it's what leads to weight gain.  It's funny, I'm not Catholic but I feel like this must be what confession is like.  Forgive me blog followers, for I have sinned.  I'm not perfect, that's for sure but I'm not giving up.  I remember how good I felt at my goal weight.  I remember how it felt to not have my belly sticking out (granted it was never flat, but smaller than it is now).  I used to lay in bed in the morning and feel my hip bones and my stomach and think "wow, I'm really not a fat person anymore!"  And to be honest my goal was never to get skinny, it was to be a normal sized, healthy person.  My body doesn't feel like that now.  I look in my closet and my options are limited.  I am still fitting into size 12's and Large's for the most part but the size 10's and Medium's are getting pushed further back.  So, the journey continues.  I went back to WW determined to do it again but after a 5 lb loss the first week, then a slight gain the second I haven't been back.  Why you may ask?  I was embarassed.  I know those ladies have seen ups and downs that would likely make my head spin but I just feel like I can't face them.  I need to face them.  I need to walk into my WW meeting with my head held high and say "I'm back, this time for good".  I know they will welcome me with open arms, because that's what WW is all about.  They are not there to judge, they are there to help.  And clearly I need help.  I have developed the "I will just eat _____ and _____ then I will start tomorrow" attitude.  And tomorrow just keeps getting pushed further and further away.  I'm smart enough to know that if I don't get this under control I will gain all the weight back that I worked so hard to lose.  One of the things that keeps nawing at me is that my neice is getting married in September.  I had it in my head I was going to be back at goal by then.  I think I have to let that go.  It's possible but it's not realistic.  I know how hard it is.  What I am telling myself is that I will weigh less than I do today by September 28, it won't be 165 but it sure as hell won't be 180 either!!  I have a plan.  I'm going to put one foot in front of the other and not worry so much about how long it's going to take to get back to goal but just get there.  And I will get there.  

Oh ya, I turned 50 last month!!  I had a wonderful Birthday.  I felt very loved :-)  50 is just a number and I am looking forward to being in better health in my 50's than I was in my 40's!  

3 mile run on June 2, 2013 for another virtual run the day before my 50th Birthday 

(shrinkingjeans "run the hood" Foxy 5K)

June 2, 2013 - family surprise party

June 3, 2013 - my 50th Birthday and more cake 

If your still reading this, I thank you for sticking with me.  June is a busy month.  Lots of celebrations.  But somehow last year I was able to celebrate without a big gain.  Like I said before, moving on.  Trying not to be too hard on myself.  I can do this.  I will do this.....again.