Sunday, September 22, 2013

The good, the bad and the big butt ugly.....

I miss blogging.  So here's the thing, I stopped blogging because I was at goal and really didn't have much to write about.  Then I tried to blog off and on, but I wasn't at goal anymore and I felt like no wanted to hear about my struggles.  Then someone close to me made a comment that made me upset and I started having second thoughts about blogging.  You know what, I'm 50 years old and if I want to blog about my weight loss or my weight gain or about whatever the hell I want to that's really my business right?  Right!  So read this, don't read this, comment, don't comment I don't really give a crap.  Which is a lie because of course I do care.  I'm sensitive but I'm going to try to have a thicker skin.  It's time.   I have been struggling lately I need this.  Some people like to keep journals, I like to blog.

I don't really know how much I weigh right now.  I think it's close to 180, but I haven't been on the scale in a week or so.  15 ish pounds over goal.  Maybe more who knows.  I am sad and it's making me crazy.  The vicious cycle of feeling fat and out of shape, so eating your feelings, then feeling fat and out of shape because you ate too much and didn't exercise.  I'm not doing much exercise lately and I have a million excuses but none of them hold water.  I am being hard on myself I know but I seriously deserve it.  I have literally eaten ice cream or frozen yogurt just about every day this summer.  It's no wonder I have gained weight.  I loved when I was losing weight and my advice to others was to "say no to food you want to eat and say yes when you don't want to exercise".  I have been reversing this lately.  It's not working for me.  I have been so lonely too.  I know this is partly my fault.  I'm bad for not seeking out friendships and not making dates with the few friends I do have.  My boys are grown up and are hardly ever home.  My husband and I rarely have time together.  It sucks but it's my life.  Back when I was losing weight I was busier because I was going to the gym all the time.  Therefore I was less lonely because I wasn't home alone as much..I need to join a gym again.  I went to have a tour of one the other day and I really liked it.  My plan is after my niece's wedding this weekend I'm signing up.  It's a bit further away than my old gym but I just feel like I need a new start.  A new gym, new classes, new people.  That's the plan.

The good.  I guess the good thing is that I'm not 230 lbs.  I haven't gained it all back and with any luck I can stop this now and get back to feeling good again.  Which means goal for me.  I felt so good when I was at goal weight and in pretty good shape.  Another good is the fact that even though I am out of shape, I'm still able to run.  Not fast and not very far but I can still run, so there's that.

The bad.  Clothes.  Although I have some clothes that fit me, I do have a lot that don't fit me.  It sucks.

The big butt ugly.  I have had some very rock bottom days.  Last night I felt so gross I tried to throw up.  It didn't work, but I just felt so full and fat and so disgusted with myself.  It's not a good place to be in.  I've been eating way too much and all of the wrong things.  Time to get that under control.  Wish me luck I'm going to need it.

Pictures.  I hate myself in pictures these days.  There was a time that I was begging people to take my picture!  My niece is getting married this weekend.  A lot of pictures will be taken.  I'm hoping to be behind the camera instead of in front of it :-(

Speaking of pictures, I'll leave you with a few.


Color me Rad - 5K fun run



 Harvest 2013

The Bride-to-be and I

3 comments:

Dacia said...

A) I think you are fabulous (now, then and everywhere in between)

B) I'll read anything/everything you write

C) I am super excited about the new gym. I hope it helps with your mojo

Shelley said...

Kim, I know you are feeling really down on yourself at the moment, but what I see is a beautiful woman, who is honest and open about her life. I'm glad you're back to posting; like Dacia, I'll read everything you write, too.

P.S. Don't hide behind the camera at the wedding!

Kim A said...

Thanks ladies! It means so much to me, especially coming from 2 ladies that have done incredible things in the weight loss and blogging world!! I will continue to blog, for me and for anyone else that cares to read. And if that includes you guys, I am honoured :-)