Sunday, September 29, 2013

My Amazing Weekend

My Family :-)

My niece got married yesterday.  It was an amazing day!  On Thursday of last week it was raining and the clouds seemed locked in.  The forecast for Saturday was sunny and 18 C, but it looked like that wasn't going to happen (to me anyway!).  We couldn't have asked for a nicer day.  It was a beautiful Fall day!  Even though the ceremony and reception were inside at a Hotel near the river bank it was great to be able to take pictures outside.  You can't get better lighting than natural light.  The ceremony was so nice.  My niece's Dad has never been in her life so she had her Grandpa walk her down the aisle.  It was so sweet and touching.  They wrote their own vows which was very nice and from the heart.  My sister and her friend sang a song at the ceremony "Feels Like Home".  I could go on and on but it was a really nice ceremony and the reception was great too.  Dean (my hubby) was the M.C. and he did so good!  He kept getting compliments as the night went on.  I made a slideshow for them with pics from baby right up till current day set to music.  Everyone seemed to like it.  Here's a few more pics.

Grandparents watching 

Mr & Mrs 

me and my siblings


Cousins at the dance!  Ages 19-25 they grew up together

I could go on and on.....but I won't.  It was a great day!  I thought I looked pretty good but I was still self conscience of my weight gain.  It's not like it ruined my day, it was just on my mind.  The regret, the feeling of failure.....  I was very tired today so I didn't do much.  Some visiting, a bit of laundry and I made supper and that's about it!  I'm glad I have tomorrow off work.  

I have made up my mind to join the new gym I was talking about before.  I'm going to go tomorrow and sign up.  I need to kick start my weight loss.  I think this will help.  There is 122 days until we leave for our Maui vacation.  We are celebrating our 25th anniversary next year and this is our gift to each other.  I want to be in better shape than I am right now.  I'm going to try hard to work on the binge eating.  For me it's such a head game.  When I got to goal last year I just really believed that I was going to be successful and it worked.  I need to get my head in that same place again.  So tomorrow I will face the scale, (it won't be pretty I know) and move on.  Small steps, drinking more water, moving more and trying to get the snacking under control.  I know I can do this.  I'm going to try to blog more too and possibly post my weight numbers.  I'm still thinking about that.  I don't want to get scale obsessed / crazy.  Tomorrow is a new day.  I'm excited about the new gym.  More on that to come.  

Family is everything.  We may have our ups and downs but I love my crazy, beautiful family. 

Sunday, September 22, 2013

The good, the bad and the big butt ugly.....

I miss blogging.  So here's the thing, I stopped blogging because I was at goal and really didn't have much to write about.  Then I tried to blog off and on, but I wasn't at goal anymore and I felt like no wanted to hear about my struggles.  Then someone close to me made a comment that made me upset and I started having second thoughts about blogging.  You know what, I'm 50 years old and if I want to blog about my weight loss or my weight gain or about whatever the hell I want to that's really my business right?  Right!  So read this, don't read this, comment, don't comment I don't really give a crap.  Which is a lie because of course I do care.  I'm sensitive but I'm going to try to have a thicker skin.  It's time.   I have been struggling lately I need this.  Some people like to keep journals, I like to blog.

I don't really know how much I weigh right now.  I think it's close to 180, but I haven't been on the scale in a week or so.  15 ish pounds over goal.  Maybe more who knows.  I am sad and it's making me crazy.  The vicious cycle of feeling fat and out of shape, so eating your feelings, then feeling fat and out of shape because you ate too much and didn't exercise.  I'm not doing much exercise lately and I have a million excuses but none of them hold water.  I am being hard on myself I know but I seriously deserve it.  I have literally eaten ice cream or frozen yogurt just about every day this summer.  It's no wonder I have gained weight.  I loved when I was losing weight and my advice to others was to "say no to food you want to eat and say yes when you don't want to exercise".  I have been reversing this lately.  It's not working for me.  I have been so lonely too.  I know this is partly my fault.  I'm bad for not seeking out friendships and not making dates with the few friends I do have.  My boys are grown up and are hardly ever home.  My husband and I rarely have time together.  It sucks but it's my life.  Back when I was losing weight I was busier because I was going to the gym all the time.  Therefore I was less lonely because I wasn't home alone as much..I need to join a gym again.  I went to have a tour of one the other day and I really liked it.  My plan is after my niece's wedding this weekend I'm signing up.  It's a bit further away than my old gym but I just feel like I need a new start.  A new gym, new classes, new people.  That's the plan.

The good.  I guess the good thing is that I'm not 230 lbs.  I haven't gained it all back and with any luck I can stop this now and get back to feeling good again.  Which means goal for me.  I felt so good when I was at goal weight and in pretty good shape.  Another good is the fact that even though I am out of shape, I'm still able to run.  Not fast and not very far but I can still run, so there's that.

The bad.  Clothes.  Although I have some clothes that fit me, I do have a lot that don't fit me.  It sucks.

The big butt ugly.  I have had some very rock bottom days.  Last night I felt so gross I tried to throw up.  It didn't work, but I just felt so full and fat and so disgusted with myself.  It's not a good place to be in.  I've been eating way too much and all of the wrong things.  Time to get that under control.  Wish me luck I'm going to need it.

Pictures.  I hate myself in pictures these days.  There was a time that I was begging people to take my picture!  My niece is getting married this weekend.  A lot of pictures will be taken.  I'm hoping to be behind the camera instead of in front of it :-(

Speaking of pictures, I'll leave you with a few.

Color me Rad - 5K fun run

 Harvest 2013

The Bride-to-be and I